Friends With Benefits
by JoiForber
Summary: Captain Peacock's wife has chucked him out, this time for real. With nowhere else to turn, he seeks the counsel of his friend and co-worker Betty Slocombe. Can love blossom amidst retail sales commissions, tea breaks, bad canteen food, and coworkers? This is the story that started it all.
1. Rainy Days & Mondays

Friends With Benefits…Chapter 1…Rainy Days & Mondays

It was Tuesday morning, gray and raining, as Betty Slocombe ran for the bus. She

dodged puddles and raindrops in her little plastic rain hat. It was 8 a.m. 

A car horn blared. Betty stepped aside; usually if a car horn sounded, it was

followed by a wave of rain water being sprayed from a passing car. The car slowed

to a stop and beeped again. Annoyed, she turned round to see Stephen Peacock

pulled up and motioning to her. He rolled down the window, "Would you like a lift

to work?" thankful to not have to race to the bus stop in the rain, she accepted. 

"I brought you a coffee," he offered. 

"Thank you, Stephen. That was very kind of you..." her voice trailed off, "You're a

little out of your way, aren't you?" she asked a little suspiciously. Then she noticed

his condition: red-rimmed, puffy eyes; clothing disheveled; mussed hair; badly in

need of a shave; smelling of alcohol, stale cigarettes, and B.O.; very sullen. 

"Stephen! What's happened to you?" Betty about choked on her coffee.

"Well," he started, "I believe my wife is done with me. I think she's found someone

else."

"You two go through this about twice a year. What makes this time different?"

"When I arrived home from work last night, she was standing on the front steps.

My clothes had all been packed and were waiting for me. She'd had all the locks

changed and moved that single man Bill from our Bridge Club into the house. Since

the house is in her name, there's little I can do. I've got everything in the boot." 

"Oh, I am sorry. Where did you go after that? Where 'ave you been until now?"

They were within a few blocks of Grace Brothers. 

"I went to the pub looking for you; I didn't see you so I had a few gin and tonics. I

tried ringing a few people but no one had room, so I slept in the car." His features

were soft, not looming and foreboding like at work. She felt sorry for him. 

"I don't go to the pub on Monday. Parkinson is on on Mondays. Why didn't you

ring _me_?" 

"Pride. Embarrassment. I figured you would think I was only ringing you because

I was drunk. Maybe I didn't want work people to know what's going on." His voice

sounded so far away, like a narrative of someone else's life. 

"Stephen, we're friends! If you go into Grace Brothers looking like you do right

now, _everyone_ is going to know something is going on!" Then she mustered her

Betty's-in-Chargeness, "You're not going to work looking like _that_, are you? You

are tore up from the floor up." 

He tried to sound in control, "I'll wash up in the Executive wash Room. I'll just go

up the service lift..." 

Betty dug into her purse, pulled out her house keys, jingling them. 

"Here, take the keys to my house. You go in and put your stuff in there. Go and

take a hot shower and get a proper shave. There are flannels in the bathroom

cupboard and anything else you need, just look around. There is coffee in the pot on

the kitchen worktop. I unplugged it before I left, but it should still be hot." She

handed the keys to Stephen. 

"Thank you, Betty." He smiled a little, his face looking a little less melancholy. 

"When I get to work, I'll sign you in. I'll tell Rumbold that you are down in

stationery picking up sales books and then you are going up to accounts to fix a pay

problem. Good thing it's the last day of this pay term. Drop me here and off you

go." He pulled over and she glanced at him, smiling, "As long as our stories are

straight, it'll be all right. Now pull yourself up by your socks! See you in a bit." 

"You are a lady, Mrs. Slocombe. Thank you." He drove off as she trotted up the

sidewalk the remaining block of her journey.


	2. CYA or I Got Your Back, Stephen

Friends With Benefits Ch2 CYA or I Got Your Back, Stephen

Betty arrived at Grace Brothers at ten minutes of nine. If she timed it right, she would be there before Mr. Humphries or Mr. Lucas, the sales clerks in Gent's

Ready-Made and before Mr. Earnest Grainger, the senior salesman would be out of the gent's loo. She composed herself during the ride up in the lift. As the

doors opened she stepped out and had a quick look round to assess the area. Whew! the coast was clear. She walked straight away to the sign-in book.

She was right behind Mr. Grainger, who was still utilizing the facilities.

"Lucky break!" Betty thought to herself. She quickly forged Stephen's signature, as she had done many times on her sales chits. Then she dashed to the

women's fitting room to put up her coat. Mr. Harman came in whistling and pushing a cart with a semi-clad mannequin on it. He knocked on the women's

fitting room doorway to announce himself.

"'Ere! Oi! Mrs. Slocombe! Special delivery. It's a girl!" Mr. Harman wheeled the cart into the fitting room so Mrs. Slocombe could dress it.

"That'll do, Mr. Harman. You need to be off the floor before the bell rings!" she warned.

"Yes, Ma'am! Where's Captain Peacock this morning? He usually is the one barking orders at me. But I'd much rather you tell me what to do!"

"He's down in stationery. Now, back to your basement, Mr. Harman."

The lift bell dinged and Mr. Wilberforce Humphries and Mr. Dick Lucas came out chattering about Mr. Lucas' last failed conquest. They looked round and not

seeing Captain Peacock, speculated as to where he might be. The quickly signed in as Mr. Grainger returned from his potty break.

"Is Captain Peacock not here yet? It's not like him to be late," Mr Grainger said to Mr. Humphries.

"No, Mr. Grainger, it is not like him to be late. Didn't I just say to you, Mr. Lucas, that Captain Peacock usually isn't tardy?" Mr. Humphries removed the cover off of his counter as he spoke.

"Yes, yes, Mr. Humphries, you were, indeed, saying it's not like our fearless leader to leave us unsecured and unattended! Whatever shall we do in his absence?" Mr. Grainger began to steam a hat that was on a display mannequin's head and needed to be reshaped.

The lift bell dinged and they all looked to see if Captain Peacock had yet arrived. It was Miss Shirley Brahms. She stepped out of the lift, shook her coat collar to remove the raindrops.

"Am I late? Where's Captain Peacock?" she said as she raced to the sign in book. She signed the book with a few seconds to spare before the morning bell rang.

Mrs. Slocombe came from the fitting room with the fully dressed mannequin.

The morning bell rang and still no sign of Stephen.

"Mrs. Slocombe, Captain Peacock is signed in, but he's not 'ere!"

"He went downstairs to stationery to pick up some sales books and then up to accounts to inquire about a pay error." Lying for Stephen was easier than she thought.

Mr. Rumbold, manager of the Gents' and Ladies' Departments, rang the phone on the sales floor. Mr. Humphries picked it up, answering in a false low-pitched voice,"Menswear."

"This is Mr. Rumbold, may I please speak with Captain Peacock?"

"He isn't in at the moment, sir." Mr. Humphries looked around. Mrs. Slocombe waved her arms at Mr. Humphries to get his attention.

"He's down in stationery!" she whispered loudly, mouthing the words in exaggeration.

"Mr. Rumbold? I'm told that Captain Peacock is down in stationery."

"Very well, Mr. Humphries, when he comes in, ask him to step into my office."

"Yes, sir..."

Mr. Grainger was busy with a customer as Mr. Humphries hung up the phone.

He turned to Mr. Lucas,"Something's going on. I can't put me finger on it, but I _know_ something's going on."

"What makes you think that Mr. Humphries?"

"Just my sixth sense telling me. Besides, why would he be going down to stationery to pick up sales books when it's only Tuesday, our slowest day. My book is quite full..."

"Well, now that you mention it, so is mine. Hmmm..."

Stephen rode up in the lift, checking his look in the reflection of the number pad on the lift wall. It was 20 past nine. the store was abuzz with customers

looking to get out of the rain and doing nothing more than looking. The lift bell dinged and Stephen sighed and exhaled before stepping out. All eyes shifted

to the lift and they looked at him expectantly. The picture of composure and resolve, Stephen stepped out, his hat in his hand and coat draped over his arm.

The others went back to their work, but Betty continued staring. He caught her eyes and mouthed the words,"Thank you," as he descended the stairs,

carrying a stack of sales books.

"Ohhh, he's smooth,"she thought, smiling to herself as she went back to her work.

Stephen set the stack of sales books on the Gents' counter and went to the fitting room to hang up his coat and hat.

"So, what do you think, Mr. Lucas, Y-fronts or boxers?" mused Mr. Humphries.

"Excuse me, Mr. Humphries?"

"Do you think he's wearing Y-fronts or boxers? I mean he doesn't have any lines."

"Who?" Mr. Lucas asked, looking around. They play these games to pass the boredom of a slow work day.

"Captain Peacock. Do you think he's wearing boxers or Y-Fronts?"

"I don't think it matters, does it?" Mr. Lucas was wondering why they were speculating on Captain Peacock's underwear choice.

Mrs. Slocombe walked over to get in on the game. Captain Peacock returned from hanging his coat and hat. She was not privy to today's topic.

Mrs. Slocombe inhaled deeply, "Captain Peacock, what is that after shave you're wearing?"

Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries didn't hear her question.

"I'm not wearing any," he answered, to the stunned and alarmed looks from Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas.

"Well, I guess that settles that!" gushed Mr. Lucas. They both burst out laughing.

"Back to work, all of you! Mrs. Slocombe, return to your counter. Mr. Grainger, please control your juniors!" His face was stern and agitated.

"Yes, Captain Peacock. Mr. Lucas, Mr. Humphries, straighten your drawers!"

Both Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries began laughing and then recovered and began refolding the ties and socks in their counter drawers.

"See? There _is_ something going on. We'll have to pay close attention," Mr. Humphries whispered.

"Back to work, Mr. Humphries," Mr. Grainger reprimanded.

"Captain Peacock?" Mr. Humphries called.

"Yes, Mr. Humphries?"

"Mr. Rumbold wanted to see you when you came in..."

"Thank you, Mr. Humphries," he said as he walked to Mr. Rumbold's office.


	3. Coffee Break

**Friends With Benefits Ch3 Coffee Break**

Half past ten couldn't come soon enough. Stephen checked his watch.

"Mr. Grainger? Are you free?" he called over to the Gents' counter.

"Oh, yes, Captain Peacock, I'm free," Mr. Grainger called back.

"I'm going for my coffee break, would you take over for me, please?"

"Yes, Stephen."

Stephen walked to the canteen, newspaper under his arm, and lined up on the queue for his mid-morning coffee. He needed a break from the sales floor and trying to act normal.

"How you want it?" the canteen manageress barked.

"White with two,"he sighed. The canteen always felt like the chow line in the Army. 'Choke it down and taste it later.'

He sat at the usual table, hiding behind his newspaper, stirring his coffee without looking. He was soon joined by Betty. She sat down quietly and stirred her coffee, the spoon making a light tinkling sound.

"How are you holding up, Stephen?" she asked.

He folded his paper and set it down.

"As well as can be expected. For once, I'm not the one who screwed up. I should have seen this coming. I've been exiled to the guest bedroom for about 3

years now. At first it seemed like it would be short-term. Then it just became indefinite. One excuse after another...I move around in my sleep...I snore..."

Betty could only listen sympathetically.

"How did you cope with that?" she asked.

"I joined the Blue Cinema Club. On the rare occasion that Mrs. Peacock and I did have relations, I faked it, just to get it over with. She didn't care one way or

another,"he said, waving his hand.

Betty wrinkled her nose,"How does a man fake _that_? Never mind, don't answer that, I don't need to know.." He smiled a little and rolled his eyes,

embarrassed.

"Well, Stephen, friends don't let friends toss off at the dirty pictures cinema.." She said it. She put it out there.

He swiveled his head toward her and raised his eyebrows at her,"What have you in mind?"

"Just sayin'. If you have nothing on this evening, maybe you'd like to come round for dinner." She smiled back and winked.

Stephen looked at his watch,"It's time we got back to work. Would you like a lift home after work?

"Thank you, Stephen."


	4. Crashed on the Couch

**Friends With Benefits Ch4 Crashed on the Couch**

After dinner of Chinese takeaway straight from the box and watching _Coronation Street_, Stephen and Betty sat in the lounge talking. Mostly he talked andshe listened.

"Mrs. Peacock didn't pack my pajamas or house shoes." He shook his head slowly and sighed.

"Would you like to borrow some? I've got a few extra dressing gowns around here." That solicited a small laugh from Stephen.

"I'm sorry, Stephen, but I don't have an extra bed in the spare room, but you are welcome to use the couch. Are you planning on sleeping in your trousers and shirt?"

"No. once you leave the room, I'll get more comfortable."

She left the room and returned with an armload of blankets and a pillow. She sat down next to him,"It's getting late. We have to get up for work in the

morning. Good night, Stephen." He took her hand in his and kissed the palm.

"Good night, Betty. Thank you,"he smiled. She liked how he said her name. He pronounced the T's. Most people said Betty as "Beddy", but he actually

articulated her name. She smiled back, her blue eyes dancing.

The house was quiet. Moonlight streamed into Betty's bedroom windows, bathing the room in pale blue light. She slept soundly and then woke with a start.

"Did I just get _kicked_?" she thought. her eyes snapped open and much to her surprise,"Someone's sleeping in my bed...and he's still here!"

She rolled on her side to get a better look at him sleeping. He looked so peaceful sleeping on his stomach. He was facing away from her and she could see

the hair on the back of his head fell in soft curls. She couldn't resist touching his hair gently. His hand lay on the pillow next to his head and she admired his

long, tapered fingers. She had to sneak a peek. Lifting the blankets, she could see he was wearing only a pair of silk boxers. "Do we sell those at Grace

Brothers?" she wondered. She smiled to herself, "He's all knees and elbows!"

She lightly touched his ear and he drew in a quick breath and turned his head; now he was facing her. He looked so different in the moonlight. He didn't look

like the stern, uptight floorwalker she had been used to seeing every day at work. She leaned over and softly kissed his cheek.

His eyes fluttered open and he struggled to focus on her.

"Good evening, Goldilocks!" She looked at him accusingly.

He rolled on his side so he could get a better look at her.

"Betty, please don't be cross with me. I tried to sleep on the couch, really I did. I fell off a few times, so I slept on the floor. Then I got cold on the floor. That

infernal animal of yours kept walking on my back, clawing me. Then it bit my feet. So I tried to sleep sitting up on the couch and that didn't work; my back and

shoulders started hurting. I figured if I slept in one place and behaved myself, you wouldn't mind and I could slip out and back to the lounge before you woke

up for work and you wouldn't even know I was here." He smiled sheepishly. She stared at him as he talked, watching his lips. Those lips! Usually they are

tight and thin, but in this light they were..._nice. _And his eyes...they weren't hard and penetrating in this light. His eyes looked different, dreamy. She inhaled

deeply. He smelled very manly and...sexy.

"She _wants_ me!" The epiphany made his face flush a little.

He pulled her close and kissed her, slowly at first, then more intensely. He rolled on top of her, put his knees between her thighs and pried her legs open. She gasped.

"I can't believe that worked!" he thought to himself, smiling.

He thought of that point-of-sale display that Mr. Harman brought up to the sales floor earlier that day and laughed.

He unbuttoned her nightgown..."May I?"

"What?" she whispered.

"Indulge myself. I just want to play with the Bristols a bit. Actually, I've always wanted to do this..." He put his face between the twins and waggled his head back and forth.

"You are vile!"she stammered, laughing.

"I only see them buttoned in up to your chin. They're actually quite lovely." He smiled impishly, and then began fumbling with his boxers.

"Please be gentle, Stephen?"

"I shall be a perfect gentleman," he promised.

About three strokes into the deed, Stephen let out a muffled groan and got a panicked look on his face.

"Oh, no!" he cringed, his face all screwed up in embarrassment.

"What? You're kidding me! Shot with your own gun?" Betty blurted out in disbelief.

"I'm afraid so."


	5. Hooky for Nookie

**Friends With Benefits Ch5...Hooky for Nookie**

The alarm bell clanged and Betty and Stephen woke with a start. Morning already? Why does 7 am have to come so early?

"Good morning, Love." Stephen stretched his arms and smiled mischievously.

"Good morning, What are you smiling like that for?"

He tittered to himself, "I don't feel like going to work today."

"What do you plan on doing instead?" she raised her eyebrows, smiling softly. Her blue hair was a fright wig; the bedclothes were a rumpled mess.

"I thought I'd spend the day in bed, making love to you. How does that sound?"

"Naughty boy!"she said in a low, sultry voice,"How do you plan to pull this off? We can't just not show up. I'm on commission, remember? I don't work, I

don't get paid."

"I'm just looking to redeem myself." he smiled.

"Redeem yourself? You redeemed yourself three times last night. I think the whole neighborhood heard you redeeming yourself!"

"Wasn't half bad once you got run in." He smiled.

"If you say it'll ride up with wear, you're out!"

"I have an idea. I'll just ring Rumbold and tell him the truth."

"What? You're banging Betty and can't tear ourselves away?"

He laughed out loud, "That's exactly what I'm going to tell him," he winked.

"He'll never swallow that! We'll both get sacked! Now out of bed, we're going to be late!" she nudged him.

"Give me the telephone. Watch. I'll have the day off and so will you. I'm going to ring him and tell him I'm not able to come in. Then about 10 minutes later, I'll

ring him for you."

Betty shook her head slowly,"A fiver says he doesn't buy it."

"You're on! I need money for petrol." Stephen slid out of bed, pulled on his boxers, and padded to the lounge to retrieve his glasses and little black book

from his work jacket. He opened it and thumbed through to the phone numbers. Finding Mr. Rumbold's number, he went over to the phone on the telephone

stand, removed the receiver and dialed.

"It's ringing! Not too late to back out and save yourself a fiver!"

"I want to hear you make a fool of yourself!" she teased.

Mrs. Rumbold answered,"Hello?"

Stephen mustered up a very fatigued voice,"May I please speak to Mr. Rumbold, this is Captain Peacock?"

"Hang on..." she handed the phone to her husband, who was standing by in his shirttails and socks.

"Rumbold here."

"Mr. Rumbold, this is Captain peacock. I won't be coming to work today."

"Why's that, Peacock?"

"Well, sir, I've got an erection."

"You have an infection?"

"Yes, sir. It's kept me up all night. I am exhausted."

"My Gosh, Peacock! When did it start?"

"Yesterday, sometime after lunch." Stephen suppressed the urge to laugh. Betty stayed in the bedroom, cackling into a pillow.

"What are your symptoms?" Betty walked into the lounge and joined Stephen on the couch.

"They are awful, sir. I started feeling flush, then I would go rigid. I tried to fight it, but it overtook me. I get short of breath, my heart started racing, I would

have spasms, then I would collapse, exhausted. About 20 or so minutes later it would start all over again." He covered his mouth to keep from laughing.

"Are you doing anything for it?"

"Yes, sir," Betty started kissing his chest,"Warm, moist compresses and therapeutic massage. I have to go, sir, I feel another wave of it coming on..."

"Let me get this straight: You have an infection, which causes you to go stiff, break out in a sweat, convulse, have breathing spasms, heart racing, then

collapse from sheer exhaustion? Is there anything else?"

"No, sir, that's it."

"All right then, Peacock, I hope you feel better tomorrow. Bye." Stephen hung up and they both erupted into laughter, "that was too easy!"

"Oh, my! The man's an idiot! That was worth a fiver. Now you'll have to call him and do it all over again for me. Good Luck!"

"Double or nothing? I could almost fill the tank for a tenner."

Stephen rang Mr. Rumbold about 15 minutes later only to discover he had already left for Grace Brothers.

"I'll give him a few minutes to get there. I could go for some coffee."

Betty plugged the percolator in and started the coffee. Stephen rang Mr. Rumbold's office. Mr. Rumbold's secretary answered.

"Mr. Rumbold, please, this is Captain Peacock."

"Hold on. Mr. Rumbold, Captain Peacock is on the phone for you, sir."

"Rumbold here. Peacock what do you want?"  
>"<p>

Well, sir, it's Mrs. Slocombe. She just rang me, you know, chain-of-command, to say she cannot make it in today. She seems to have come down with thesame illness I am suffering from."

"Good God! Do you think it's catching? I wonder if any of the others will be infected as well."

"I hope so," Stephen muttered to himself, "I don't know, sir."

"What did you eat in the canteen yesterday?"

Stephen racked his brain to think of what he might have eaten that the rest of the staff did not,"I had the Toad in the Hole, sir. I was near Mrs. Slocombe's counter most of the afternoon, going over her inventory. I must have breathed near her."

"Are Mrs. Slocombe's symptoms the same as yours, Peacock?"

"Very similar, sir, with the exception that Mrs. Slocombe is having trouble walking."

Betty glared at him,"Cheeky Monkey!" she mouthed silently through clenched teeth.

Stephen smiled devilishly, pursed his lips, and blew her a kiss.

"I shall have to ring Mrs. Slocombe back in a while."

"Yes, sir. Good day."

"Good day, Peacock."


	6. Busted

**Friends With Benefits Ch6...Busted**

"We'll have to go up in the lift separately. I'll go up first, then you go,"Stephen said as they walked up the sidewalk to Grace Brothers,"You know that we'll be

watched. Mr. Humphries doesn't miss a thing."

"True. See you at work." He winked at her and walked inside.

Stephen stepped out of the lift and strode to the sign-in book. So far, so good; he was the first to arrive. He signed in, removed his hat and coat and headed

to hang it up. Then he assumed his post at the sign-in book. Mr. Grainger arrived next and signed in, removed his hat and coat and hung it in the fitting room.

He looped his measuring tape around his neck and took his post behind the men's counter.

Betty arrived last, with about 2 minutes to spare.

"Cutting it close, aren't you, Mrs. Slocombe?" Captain Peacock reprimanded.

"It is business-as-usual, isn't it?" she thought to herself,"But I suppose we will have to be very vigilant."

Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries unpacked a box of sweaters and began pricing and folding them.

"I wonder where _they_ were yesterday,"Mr. Lucas motioned to Captain Peacock and Mrs. Slocombe.

Mr. Humphries rolled his eyes and smiled tightly,"Do you really want the answer to that? When have you ever known either of them to take a sick day?"

Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries watched Captain Peacock and Mrs. Slocombe for a few minutes. They knew they were being watched and gave no indication

that they were together the day before.

"'Ere, Mrs. Slocombe, why was you out yesterday? You're never out."

"Oh, Miss Brahms, I felt awful. I'm still not one hundred percent, but I can't afford to miss any more work. Would you get a brush and sweep out the fitting

room?"

The morning went on slowly, the minutes dragged as Betty and Stephen could feel their co-workers' eyes on their every move.

The phone in the Gents' department rang. Mr. Humphries answered it in his usual false baritone voice,"Menswear."

"This is Mr. Rumbold, may I please speak with Captain Peacock? Never mind, please tell Captain Peacock that I need to see him ion my office immediately."

"Yes, sir. Captain Peacock, are you free?"

"I was just going for my coffee break..."

"Mr. Rumbold wants to see you in his office immediately."

"Oh, great,"Stephen said under his breath. "On my way.."

"He's on his way, sir."

Stephen knocked on the door.

"Come in, Peacock. That will do, Miss Bagwell, please leave." The secretary left the office.

"You wanted to see me, Sir?"

"Yes, Peacock. I rang your house yesterday after I talked to you. Your wife said you weren't home."

"You checked on me, Sir?" Stephen asked defensively.

"I wanted to see how you were feeling. You sounded like you were on your deathbed. Not only were you not at home, but your wife said you no longer live

there; she said she chucked you out. This doesn't look good. There are severe consequences for lying to management and skipping work."

Thinking fast and not giving any indication of being caught off-guard, Stephen explained,"Sir, my wife is mistaken. She was overcome by the same malady as

I was and she is delusional. I rang for the doctor for her this morning." He fights the sick feeling in his stomach at the thought of spending the day with his

wife in the manner he spent it with Betty.

"So let me get this straight, Captain Peacock, your wife was not aware that you were home sick because she, too, was feverish, weak and fatigued?"

"Yes, Sir. I believe that when you rang I was indisposed, so to speak. She must have passed out and forgotten to relay the message."

"Very well. What an incredible chain of events."

"Will that be all, Sir?"

"For now,"Mr. Rumbold answered curtly.

"In the meantime, Sir, my phone number has changed. It's 02043778963."

"Isn't that also Mrs. Slocombe's number?" he asked suspiciously.

"We're on a party line," Stephen answered quickly.

"Oh, I see..." he mused. Stephen rolled his eyes and left.

"What a poltroon," Stephen thought to himself. He exhaled and smiled mischievously to himself. he shook his head, recovered and resumed his usual stern

look before returning to the sales floor.

"Shh...shh...shh, here he comes,"Mr. Humphries whispered to Mr. Lucas.

"Must not have been too bad; he looks normal,"Mr. Lucas pointed out.

"Mr. Lucas, Mr. Humphries, are you done with those sweaters?" Mr. Grainger asked.

"Almost nearly done, Mr. Grainger, aren't we, Mr. Humphries?"

"Oh, yes!" Mr. Humphries chirped,"There is something going on, Mr. Lucas! We'll have to look for it."

"What will it look like, so I know if I see it?"

"Keep your voice down or we'll get the sharp edge of Peacock's tongue."

"Maybe she's already had it,"Mr. Lucas chuckled and pointed over to Mrs. Slocombe with his chin.

"You, two!" Captain Peacock addressed Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries,"Get to work!"

They all filed into the canteen for lunch and took their seats at their usual table. Betty sat down with her tray. Not being very hungry, she just had coffee and

a pastry. Stephen set his tray down next to hers, brushing her hand subtly as he sat down.

"Excuse you,"she teased.

"I'm sorry." He acted as if it were an accident. Under the table he slipped one shoe off and rubbed her ankle.

"Do you _mind_?" she whispered sternly.

"Not at all..." he whispered back, raising one eyebrow.

The others soon joined them. The conversation went back and forth about the upcoming Christmas holiday and the sales quotas.

Mr. Lucas had to go there,"Is it any coincidence that you and Mrs. Slocombe were both absent yesterday, Captain Peacock?"

Everyone's eye were on him, including Betty's.

"I don't think so. No. I'm not obligated to discuss my health issues with juniors. I consider the matter closed."

Back on the sales floor.

"Miss Brahms, cover for me, I've got to go spend a penny."

"Yes, Mrs. Slocombe."

Betty was gone for a long while and Stephen walked over to the counter to inquire.

"Miss Brahms, where did Mrs. Slocombe go?"

"She went to the ladies', Captain Peacock."

"On _this_ floor? She's been gone a long time. Would you go check on her?"

"Yes, Captain Peacock."

Miss Brahms went to the ladies' room and knocked on the door..."Mrs. Slocombe, are you all right?"

"No. Miss Brahms, I feel awful. I feel like I'm peeing razor blades. Would you please fetch the Sister for me, Dear?"

"Yes, Mrs. Slocombe." Miss Brahms returned to the sales floor and asked Captain Peacock to ring the Sister. He looked worried as he dialed and requested

her. Sister came down right away and she and Mrs. Slocombe went to Sister's office.

About 20 minutes later, Betty came down to get her coat to go home.

Stephen summoned Betty over,"What did she say?"he whispered out of earshot of anyone else.

"She said I've got 'honeymooner's disease'. She's sending me home with a jaxie full of vaccine. This is not funny! You stop!"

He smiled, a bit prideful and embarrassed at the same time. He couldn't help snickering. He never caused honeymooner's disease, even on his own

honeymoon!

"I'll ring you later," he smiled.

"He never rang me, even when I went home that time with pneumonia!"Mr. Humphries complained.

"Well, you _do_ live with your mother!" Mr. Lucas pointed out.


	7. Moving Out or Breathing Room

**Friends With Benefits..Ch7 Moving Out/Breathing Room**

It was a clear, crisp day. Betty and Stephen walked to the bus stop.

"I was thinking, Betty, that perhaps I should get my own place. I'm still a married man and if word got out at Grace Brothers that we were shacked up together, it could mean big problems."

Betty nodded.

"I think my landlord has an empty furnished flat to let. We can check in with him."

"Well, that's not exactly what I was looking for. I'm used to living in a detached house with a garage," he said nervously, not wanting to insult her.

"Well, Sir Peacock, the way I see it, you'll probably lose about half of your pay in this deal. So maybe you should lose about half of your uppity attitude." he

screwed his face into a grimace. He pouted slightly. She was right. Dammit.

During her coffee break, Betty rang her landlord.

"Mr. Wickham, Betty Slocombe here, from Unit number 12," she said in her posh voice,"Yes. I have a friend who might be interested in that furnished flat you

have empty. Could he see it today? Thank you. Yes. Thank you again. Right. Out."

Betty returned to the sales floor and whispered to Stephen,"You can see it today after work. You up for it?"

"Yes. Might as well get on with it. Thank you, Betty," he sighed.

After work, Betty went on ahead home to start dinner and Stephen stopped by the landlord's office to see the flat.

About 30 minutes later, Stephen came home. The house smelled wonderfully of roast chicken and potatoes.

"I move in Friday next,"he announced over dinner,"maybe I'll just keep it as a mailing address."

"Awful expensive post-box, don't you think?"

"Just until the divorce..." He said it. The D-Word. So final. So liberating. So...final. He got that melancholy look.

"You've had a long week. You want I should make some coffee? Or would you prefer tea?"

"Tea's fine, thanks."

It was a long, tiring day at Grace Brothers. It must have been a full moon: customers were especially crabby; Young Mr. Grace seemed to be nit-picking the

sales chits and was line-item auditing the entire Ladies' and Gents' departments; Mr. Rumbold seemed to be on edge and going off about seemingly nothing;

Mr. Grainger fell asleep on the toilet and had to be retrieved; Mr. Lucas had three customers return items demanding refunds. Half-past five could not come

fast enough.

It was Friday, payday. Stephen went to Mt. Rumbold's office to pick up the pay packets. Mr. Rumbold informed Stephen of a change to his pay.

"Captain Peacock, I must inform you that your pay will be halved. You wife rang accounts and informed them that you are not living at home and she is

entitled to half of your income, per her solicitor." He looked a little disappointed at Stephen,"I know it's none of my business, Captain Peacock, but is there

anything I should know?"

"I see. No. Well, let me get these to everyone. They'll be expecting them. And you are right, it is none of your business. Are you quite finished, sir?"

"There is something else...I hope this little 'thing' with Mrs. Slocombe isn't going to cause problems in the department."

_How_ did he know? Did anyone else know?

"There is no 'thing' going on. My wife chucked me out and now I live on the same street as Mrs. Slocombe. I give her a lift to work once in a while," he said

shortly,"My address has changed."

He gave Mr. Rumbold the address of his new flat.

"Slumming it, aren't you, Peacock?" he said, almost mockingly.

The words stung like a flyswatter. Stephen could feel his face grow hot. He drew in his mouth, eyes bugged, frowning, nostrils flared. He let out a low groan.

"You want to say something?" Mr. Rumbold egged him on.

"At the moment, no." It was about all he could manage.

"So long as you know it is Grace Brothers' policy that in this situation, one of you is to leave the department or Grace Brothers altogether."

"May I _now_ return to my floor?" Stephen asked impatiently. Anywhere but there.

"Yes. I'm quite finished."

He strode back to the Gents' department, and returned to the sales floor to distribute the pay packets, madder than a hornet..

Mt Humphries saw the anger seething in Stephen's face.

"Glass of water for Captain Peacock!"

"Glass of water coming up!" Mr. Lucas announced.

"What makes you think I require a glass of water, Mr. Humphries?" Stephen snapped.

"You have smoke coming out your ears. I thought there might be a fire."

"Indeed."


	8. Christmas

**Friends With Benefits..Ch 8 Christmas**

The staff was seated in the canteen. Mr. Lucas "threw scissors" and had to go through the queue to pick up lunch for everyone.

Captain Peacock announced to his colleagues that he would like to have everyone over to his place for Christmas dinner. Mr. Lucas issued the plates to each

diner and sat down.

"Mr. Lucas, I was telling everyone that I would like to have a do at my place for Christmas. If you have nothing on, perhaps you'd like to join us?"

Mr. Lucas looks over at Miss Brahms,"What do you think, Shirley, would you like to go to Captain Peacock's with me?"

"It sounds like fun, sure!"

"Mr. Humphries, would you be free for Christmas dinner?"

"I'm free!"

Mrs. Slocombe looked over at Mr. Grainger,"Mr. Grainger, would you be free for Christmas dinner?"

"No, I'm afraid not. Mrs. Grainger and I are going to have Christmas with Mrs. Grainger's sister in Kent." He slurped his spaghetti loudly.

"Captain Peacock, is there anything we should bring?" Mr. Humphries asked.

"If you would make the Christmas pudding, that would be a big help; I have the brandy!" Captain Peacock smiled.

Mrs. Slocombe thought a minute,"I could ask Mrs. Axelby. Oh, this will be fun!"

"We'll eat at about one o'clock. Does that work for everyone?"

They all agreed and the date was set.

Christmas Day was cold and clear. Betty arrived at Stephen's early to help him while he cooked the dinner. As he cooked, she washed up the utensils, cutting

boards, and mixing bowls.

The table was set with a feast of roast turkey, Brussels sprouts and chestnuts, stuffing, roast potatoes, parsnips, cranberry sauce and bread sauce.

Christmas crackers were placed by everyone's plates along with a brightly colored paper hat which Betty made. They had a miss-mash of borrowed chairs,

but the table looked lovely and festive.

Betty's hair was dyed red and green and she wore some small Christmas bulbs as earrings.

Everything looked and smelled wonderful. Stephen had a small Christmas tree decorated in the corner.

"Thank you for helping me, Betty," Stephen said as he helped dry the dishes that she washed,"Happy Christmas, Dear." He kissed her cheek.

"Happy Christmas, Stephen."

Stephen lit the candles on the table as the guests arrived, knocking on the door.

"Cor! Is _this_ where he lives?" Mr Lucas said, wide-eyed,"Bitch took everything, didn't she? At least he's got a good attitude about it."

"Shhhh...you be nice! It was nice of Captain Peacock to invite us...he's never invited us for anything, so maybe this change is good for him,"Miss Brahms

stated.

"I think this is going to be fun. We don't usually see each other much outside of work. Look! Mrs. Axelby is coming. Happy Christmas!" Mr. Humphries called to

her.

"Happy Christmas!" she called back.

Stephen answered the door,"Happy Christmas! Come in, come in!"

He smiled warmly as he stepped back and welcomed them in. They entered and Stephen kissed Miss Brahms and Mrs. Axelby on the cheek. He shook Mr.

Lucas' and Mr. Humphries' hands.

He took Miss Brahms and Mrs. Axelby's coats, went upstairs and set them on the bed.

"What would you like to drink?" Betty asked. She and Mrs. Axelby started mixing drinks. On the TV was the Yule Log, a festive display of a crackling fire in a

fireplace with Christmas music playing in the back ground.

"Ere! What's that lot?" Miss Brahms exclaimed, pointing at the TV.

"Cor Blimey! It's a log fire on the telly...is that all it does?" Mr. Lucas laughed.

"Yes! The play Christmas songs, too," said Betty,"It's so you can have the look of a fireplace even if you live in a flat with no fireplace."

"Hey, Shirley, I've got your Yule Log right here!"

"Cheeky Monkey! We can't take you anywhere!" Miss Brahms shook her head. They all laughed.

They put on their paper Christmas hats and looked quite jovial.

After they ate dinner, Mr. Humphries poured the brandy over the pudding and lit it. They pulled their Crackers and each had a handful of Dolly Mixture and a

hand-written Thank You note inside.

"Mrs. Slocombe, do you need any help in the kitchen with the dishes?" Miss Brahms asked.

"Oh, no, Dear. While Stephen cooked, I washed. As soon as he finished with a pot, pan or bowl, I scrubbed it, so we're nearly done."

"You are the picture of efficiency!" Mr. Humphries joked.

"I think we're going to get going. me, Shirley, Claybourne and Mrs. Axelby are going to do a pub crawl."

"We have four for darts! It'll be six, two teams if you come. Wanna join us?" Mrs. Axelby asked.

"No, you kids go and have fun! Thanks for asking. Stay together..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Mr. Humphries.

"My mother used to say it all the time," Stephen smiled,"Thank you for coming! Happy Christmas!"

"Happy Christmas! Thanks for dinner, Captain Slocombe!" Mr. Lucas joked.

"I guess all that KP you pulled in the Army paid off! You've done very well!" Mr. Humphries laughed.

"Don't forget, Young Mr. Grace wants us there tomorrow at 8 am for Boxing day."

Collective groans.

They did a group hug and the guests left.

"Happy Christmas!"

Outside they walked to the pub up the street. The sun was setting and the sky was turning that blue fade to gold color. Stars twinkled overhead.

"They look so cute together, holding hands and flirting with each other," said Mr. Humphries.

"This is the happiest I have ever seen Betty," Mrs. Axelby observed and smiled.

"They go together like chalk and cheese! It's like visiting your parents!" declared Miss Brahms.

"Except all of our parents are divorced,"Mr. Lucas mused.

Mr. Humphries thought a moment,"I've never seen Captain Peacock smile so much."

Mr. Lucas joked,"I didn't even know he had teeth! They really did look happy, didn't they?"

"You know," Mr. Humphries conveyed,"this is the first Christmas I can remember in a long time where Mrs. Slocombe wasn't drunk off her arse."

"Or Captain Peacock running around acting half crazy, chasing the women with his blow-tickler" Mr. Lucas added.

"Or Mrs. Peacock at the Grace Brothers Christmas party scowling all evening..." Miss Brahms finished.

"Amen to that!" They all agreed and entered the first pub- Ike and Sam's.


	9. Christmas Part 2

Christmas Part 2

They straightened up the lounge. All the food had been packed up so Betty could take it home to make potpie from. The house was quiet except for

Christmas music playing softly on the television. They sat together on the couch, sipping brandy, Stephen's long legs stretched out, feet propped up on the

coffee table. He put his arm around Betty and she put her legs on top of his.

"This is the best Christmas I've ever had, "he admitted.

"It was for me as well. You looked very smart in your pinny. The food was excellent. You are full of surprises, aren't you? I think they had a good time."

"I think they've _gone_ to have a good time!"

Betty chuckled.

"It's time I'd be getting home. My pussy's been locked up all day! I'll make it up to her with a bit of turkey."

Stephen picked up a sprig of mistletoe from the entryway table, "I almost forgot..."

He held it over his head and bent over a little. Betty turned her face up to his and pursed her lips. He closed his eyes and kissed her deeply. She cupped his

face in her hands and he wrapped his arms around her.

"Happy Christmas, Betty, I love you," he murmured. He said it! His heart leapt in anticipation. How would she respond?

"Oh, Stephen! I love you, too, Happy Christmas." She squeezed him tightly.

"Yes. This _is_ the best Christmas I've ever had!"

* * *

><p>Stephen walked her home. They kissed on the doorstep,"I'll see you in the morning."<p>

She unlocked the front door; he kissed her one final time.

"Good night, Darling."  
>_<p>

**2330. Booty Call.**

The phone rang. Betty stumbled to the lounge to answer it, worried that maybe Mrs. Axelby was in trouble. Mrs. Axelby could hold her own in a bar fight!

"Hello?" she answered groggily.

"Betty I miss you. The house is too quiet. It doesn't smell right. These aren't my things here. The bed's too big..."

"You have a single bed! Are you drunk? Have you gone mad? Stephen it's the middle of the night! We have to be to work at the butt-crack of dawn! _Really_!"

"You know, I thought it would be easier if we weren't around each other twenty-four/seven. But I want to be around you 24/7. May I come over?" he

pleaded.

"Now? You just left an hour ago!"

"Yes, I know...please?"

"Oh, alright...come on over."

* * *

><p>He was there in a flash. He was in his pyjamas, slippers, and bathrobe.<p>

She opened the door, "You didn't waste any time getting here, did you?"

He entered and she closed the door. Immediately he pinned her to the back of the door. She was trapped, one hand on either side of her head, kissing hotly,

pressed chest to chest. She wrapped her arms around his neck. He wedged his knee between her legs, face nuzzled in her neck.

His eyes burned passionately, "We better go upstairs or I shall take you right here on the floor!"


	10. Unhappy Birthday Part 1

**Friends With Benefits...Ch 9...Unhappy Birthday...Part 1**

January 15. Stephen's birthday. It started out as a good day. The staff played a few pranks on Stephen, like calling the department phone and asking for "Sexy Knickers", switching salt for the sugar in the canteen, and having Mr. Harman bring up five naked mannequins wearing stripper tassels. He took it all well.

The Constable entered the front door of Grace Brothers and immediately went to the Information Desk.  
>"I'm looking for a Mr. Stephen Peacock. He is an employee here in the Ladies' and Gents' Department. Can you direct me?" he asked the pretty young girl behind the counter.<br>"Yes. Take the lift to the first floor. He's the department Floorwalker. You will see him when you step out of the lift. He's tall, so you won't miss him. He'll be wearing a red carnation."  
>He thanked her and strode over to the lift. Mr. Harman overheard the conversation and came alongside the Constable.<br>"I can take you straight up to the ladies' and Gents' Department. Follow me, Sir."  
>"Thank you."<br>It was an hour before the Ladies' and Gents' departments took their lunch break and the sales floor was especially busy.  
>The bell dinged and the lift doors opened. The Constable stepped out with Mr. Harman in tow.<br>"That's him, there," Mr. Harms said, directing the Constable.  
>The Constable descended the stairs and headed straight for Stephen. He turned round and acknowledged the Constable.<br>"Are you being served, Sir?" Stephen asked.  
>"No, sir. <em>You<em> are. Are you Mr. Stephen Peacock?"  
>"I am <em>Captain<em> Stephen Peacock." Stephen corrected.  
>"My name is Grahame Parker. I am here on behalf of your wife, Mrs. Vivienne Peacock. I am delivering you these papers prepared by her solicitor, Mr. Alex Fahy, Esquire." He handed Stephen the envelope, thick and overstuffed, sealed with a blob of red wax and imprinted with a calligraphy "F".<br>There was a hush over the sales floor as staff and customers stared at Stephen. He looked around nervously, his face flushing, feeling like he had been kicked in the stomach. He took the envelope and stuffed it into his waistcoat and quickly buttoned his jacket.  
>"Good day, Sir," the Constable nodded and turned and left.<br>Stephen's feet were nailed to the floor. He mustered all the resolve he could, stiffened his upper lip, and resumed his post.

"Did you see that, Mrs. Slocombe?" Miss Brahms whispered,"Captain Peacock's been given a fat envelope from his wife's solicitor."  
>"I did, Miss Brahms. Poor man; don't stare. Today's his birthday; she did this on purpose. Bitch," Betty hissed.<br>At the men's counter, Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas went about their business straightening the racks and dusting the displays.  
>"His wife is pretty heartless to serve him divorce papers on his birthday," said Mr. Lucas.<br>"Shhh...shhhh...don't let him catch you gossiping...Not today."  
>"Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, you two need to get back to work" Mr. Grainger reprimanded.<br>"Yes, Mr. Grainger," they said in unison.  
>Stephen stood silently, oblivious to anything going on in the department around him; the only time he spoke was when a customer came up to him.<p>

Stephen and Betty took their coffee breaks at the same time. He sat in the canteen quietly stirring his coffee as Betty came in.  
>"I'm sorry, Stephen," she offered.<br>"It was inevitable. It feels like I pulled the plug on a terminally ill relative. You know, I don't know what to feel. I've asked for a divorce many times over the years but we managed to patch things up. I'm relieved that the official papers are here, but this feels like a death. We let our marriage die a slow grueling death. Well, it's official now." He sighed, then attempted a small smile for her.  
>"Have you looked at the papers yet?"<br>"No. I have to prepare myself for what they might say. I'm sorry, I don't feel like chit-chatting much right now." He stared off, blankly.  
>She touched his hand,"All right. I'm heading back to the floor."<br>He nodded and watched her walk out of the canteen as he took out his handkerchief and touched it to his nose, sniffling.


	11. Unhappy Birthday Part 2

**Friends With Benefits...Unhappy Birthday Part 2  
><strong>

While Stephen continued his coffee break in silence, Betty returned to the sales floor.

"Miss Brahms, are you free?"

"Yes, Mrs. Slocombe, I'm free," she said, coming closer.

"Do you have anything on for tonight?"

"No, what've you got in mind?"

"Well...I was thinking perhaps we could all take Captain Peacock out for his birthday- he needs cheering up badly."

Miss Brahms nodded,"He was humiliated being served his divorce papers on the floor in front of everybody. That was really dead common of his wife to do

that on his birthday."

"I think a few games of darts at the pub would be fun. He is in a right state."

Betty picked up the phone to ring Mrs. Axelby.

"Ethel, it's Betty, are you up for darts at the pub tonight? Yes. We could eat at the pub! It's Stephen's birthday and he needs cheering up. His wife served his

papers today right in the store in front of everybody. Yes, that's exactly what I said. Ooohh, I have to go; he's coming! Bye!"

She smiled at him as he slowly walked around the department. He didn't stop at her counter, just ambled through…lost.

She hung up and rang the men's counter. Mr. Humphries answered in his low "macho" voice,"Menswear."

"Mr. Humphries, this is Mrs. Slocombe. Are you free for darts at the pub tonight? I want to take Captain Peacock out for his birthday at about half past 7."

"I'm free!"

"See if Mr. Lucas is free tonight."

"Pssst...pssst...Mr. Lucas," Mr. Humphries waves him over and whispers as not to draw Mr. Grainger's attention,"Are you up for darts at the pub tonight? Mrs.

Slocombe wants to take Captain Peacock out for his birthday and make a party of it."

"Yes. He _needs_ a party! Is Mrs. Axelby coming too?" Mr. Lucas asked raising one eyebrow.

"Is Mrs. Axelby coming, Love?" Mr. Humphries asked Betty.

"Of course!"

"Yes, Dear, count me and Mr. Lucas in!"

Stephen walked up to the men's counter, alerted by the commotion,"Mr. Humphries! Mr. Lucas! You are not being paid to talk on the phone! Back to work,

both of you!"

"Yes, Captain Peacock!" Mr. Humphries hung the phone up and they both went to looking busy.

* * *

><p>All quiet on the bus. Stephen stood, strap-hanging, while Betty sat next to him. He stared blankly out the window as illuminated shops went by. Betty<p>

reached for his hand. He gripped her hand tightly, like he was holding on for dear life. She brought his hand to her lips and kissed it gently. He looked down

and smiled and sighed.

"OK, Grumpy...today's your birthday..."she started.

"I don't feel like celebrating," he pouted.

"Tough cheese! We're taking you out. So pull your socks up and try to enjoy yourself."

"You're right, Betty. I haven't been out for my birthday in years. Where are we going?"

"To the pub. We'll eat dinner and throw a few games of darts."

"I will do my best to have a good time."

* * *

><p>Half past 7 and they all met up at the pub and Betty bought the first round of lager. Everyone in the pub sang "Happy Birthday" which seemed to put<p>

Stephen at ease. Stephen wrapped his arms around Betty, kissed her cheek and announced,"A good woman is hard to find."

She whispered in his ear,"And a hard man is good to find." He laughed for the first time all day.

Mr. Lucas and Miss Brahms danced and Mr. Humphries cut in...to dance with Mr. Lucas.

Mrs. Axelby bought a round of whiskey shots and said to Stephen,"Come 'ere, '_Captain_'. Let's see what you Pay Corps boys are made of!"

He snorted and looked indignantly at her,"I fought Rommel in the desert..."

"I worked in the ship-building during the war. I wielded the big spanner and the rivet gun!" She rolls up her sleeve, shows off her 16 inch bicep and flexes.

"Cor! Look at those guns!" exclaimed Mr. Lucas, wide-eyed.

She downed the shot in one gulp and slammed the empty shot glass on the bar.

He slugged his shot, lagging behind by several seconds,"I wasn't ready!" he whined.

He bought the next round. One-two-three. She downed it first. He bought the next round. She won again. Three more rounds and he "tapped out", barely

able to stand up for the lager and whiskey on an empty stomach.

"Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?"

"Yes, we're quite free, Mrs. Slocombe!"

"Would you mind helping to get him home?"

"Come on, Birthday Boy! Take an arm, Mr. Humphries."

"You can take my inside leg!" Stephen mumbled, thick-tongued.

They each took one of Stephen's arms on their shoulder and put one arm around his waist to steady him in a modified fireman's carry.

"It's a good thing he's tall and lives within walking distance of the pub," stated Mr. Lucas.

They walked up the street with Stephen stumbling along, half-tripping over his own feet.

"You are very light on your feet, Captain Peacock," joked Mr. Humphries, "and in the head."

"And you are very light in the boots, Mr. Humphries!" Stephen said as he swayed a bit.

"Don't be cheeky or I shall set you down on the sidewalk and you can find your own way home!"

* * *

><p>They arrived at Stephen's flat with Betty, Miss Brahms and Mrs. Axelby bringing up the rear, "Where are your keys, Dear?" Betty asked.<p>

"In my front trouser pocket..." he shifted slightly and Mr. Lucas had to adjust to avoid dropping him.

She reached in and fished around; loose change, no keys.

"They're not in you pocket. Come on, it's cold out here!"

"Try the other pocket." Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries tried to steady him and he squirmed when Betty stuck her hand in his pocket.

"That's not my keys!" he laughed,"Hey! That tickles!" He whispered, quite loudly to Mr. Lucas,"I just wanted to get her in my pants!"

"I heard that! You are quite naughty!" Betty scolded.

"And I'm quite drunk! Are you two going to take me to bed?"

"No, Captain Slocombe," Mr. Lucas teased, "we are going to _put_ you to bed."

They walked Stephen upstairs and lay him on his bed on his stomach. They each slipped off one of his shoes, leaving him to sleep in his trousers and shirt.

"Is my Betty going to tuck me in?" Stephen slurred.

"No, she and Miss Brahms are walking Mrs. Axelby home," Mr. Humphries said.

"Is Mrs. Axelby in as bad a state as I am?"

"No, she cheesed off a bunch of sailors at the pub taking their money in an arm-wrestling match," laughed Mr. Humphries.

"That Ethel! She's the bees' knees."

Mr. Humphries bent over and planted a big sloppy kiss on Stephen's cheek, "That's from Betty."

"You know, I think Mrs. Slocombe is in love with me," Stephen drawled.

"Well, she did write it on the cheese in the canteen," Mr. Lucas pointed out.

"She's really a good kisser," he laughed.

"You keep your business, Captain Peacock!" warned Mr. Humphries.


	12. A Visit From Mrs Peacock

**Friends With Benefits...CH10...A Visit From Mrs. Peacock**

The lift bell dinged and Mrs. Peacock stepped out, took a quick survey round the department. It was a quiet morning, the customers trickled in and out, and

Stephen welcomed his 1030 coffee break. All eyes shifted to Mrs. Peacock and the staff spoke in whispers. Whenever she showed up, there would be

trouble. She noticed that neither Stephen nor Betty were present on the sales floor.

"Cor! What does she want? She makes my blood run cold," said Mr. Lucas,"You can see why he's the way he is, a wife like that."

"Hold your tongue, Mr. Lucas!" warned Mr. Grainger, "This is none of our business."

"Shh...shhh...she's like Medusa, she'll turn you to stone! If we don't look, maybe she'll go away," mused Mr. Humphries.

"Where's Stephen?" she sneered. her eyes fixed on the Gents' counter.

"He's having his coffee break in the canteen," Mr. Grainger offered.

She dashed from the sales floor toward the canteen, passing Betty in the hall and nearly colliding with her. She shot Betty a dirty look and continued on.

"Oh, Crikey! What does _she_ want?" Betty thought. Betty turned round as Mrs. Peacock entered the canteen.

Stephen read his paper and sipped his coffee.

"Stephen!" Mrs. Peacock shrilly called.

He coughed, almost spilling his coffee down the front of him.

"Vivienne! What are you doing here?" he stammered.

"I've left messages for you. Why haven't you returned my calls?" she demanded.

"I got you message loud and clear on my birthday. I've tried to call, but you've had the number changed."

"Please come home. I don't want a divorce." she almost sounded convincing.

"You moved another man into my home and threw me out..." His voice trailed off.

"He stayed one night, on the couch."

He thought of his night on Betty's couch and how _that_ ended. He exhaled loudly.

"Stephen, I was just trying to get your attention..." she pleaded.

"You've succeeded beyond your wildest dreams."

"Usually if I threaten divorce, you come crawling back and we make up and you take me out for a nice dinner somewhere."

"Not this time," he was certain.

"Well, Dear. I know whom you've been playing house with, Stephen. I can have her implicated in the divorce, drag her through the mud and the court. You

come home and you can keep your East End dirty little indulgence. I'll give you an uncontested divorce," she played her cards well.

"I'm not contesting it. You're getting the house and half of my income.."

"My solicitor took some lovely pictures of you and her. The ones of you two snogging at the launderette are priceless!" She played her Trump card.

He blanched, eyes wide, nostrils flared, sucking in his breath. He steamed. He couldn't let his Betty be wrung out and hung out to dry.

"I've got to get back to work. My coffee break's over. Good bye, Vivienne." He stormed out, clenching a fist. She smiled, self-satisfied.

"Did she say anything?" Betty asked Miss Brahms.

"No, she just looked around like she had gone mad, asked where Captain Peacock was and then went to the canteen."

"I passed her in the hall. Good night! She shot me a look that would convince a freight train to take a gravel roadway." Betty shook her head.

"Blimey! She does have a cold stare doesn't she? Makes one understand why Captain Peacock doesn't mind the late hours and the stupid meetings.

Anything's got to be better than facing that lot every night!" Miss Brahms make a face.

"Shh..shh...shh...here he comes. Don't let him catch us gossiping; he looks to be in a right state!" Betty immediately went to counting scarves.

Mrs. Peacock strode to the lift, giving the floor one last scan, and upon seeing Betty, narrowed her eyes.

Stephen returned to his place on the sales floor, not looking at Betty. Mrs. Peacock disappeared behind the closed lift doors.


	13. Bye Bye, Betty

**Friends With Benefits…CH11**

Stephen walked over to the Ladies' counter. Everyone stared; they knew something was going to happen. Expectations were he would propose. He took Betty's hand in his.

Mr. Lucas wondered why Stephen didn't make a big production like he usually did.

Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, and Mr. Grainger watched as Stephen spoke quietly.

Her face fell. They immediately scurried to their posts. Stephen continued speaking to Betty, his face was ashen and serious. Betty's lower lip quivered and

her chin wrinkled. She was speechless; she just stared at him wide-eyed in disbelief, mouth agape. He leaned over the counter and kissed her cheek.

She turned slowly and walked off the floor and into the fitting room.

"Weak as water! WEAK as water!" she shrieked. The sales floor fell silent.

"That swine!" growled Mr. Humphries.

"What's happened?" Mr. Lucas asked as he spun round from his counter.

"He's broken her heart," he said quietly.

"Huh? They looked so happy at Christmas; what's happened?"

"Mrs. Peacock's what's happened." His face was sullen.

Stephen went back to his post silently.

Miss Brahms came out of the fitting room and glowered at Stephen. She picked up the phone and dialed the Gents' Department.

"Menswear," Mr. Humphries answered the phone.

"Mr. Humphries, Mrs. Slocombe's in a right state. He's goin' back to his wife."

"I saw. I feel so bad for her I'm about to cry."

"Oh, I've got to go; he's looking and if he says anything to me I'm liable to spit in his face…and that's more than my job's worth." Miss Brahms hung up the

phone and went to check on Betty.

Mr. Lucas shakes his head slowly, "I couldn't be more angry right now if he'd 'ave done that to my own mother."

Mr. Harman came into the Ladies' Department with a trolley full of socks, tights, and knickers. Miss Brahms informed him of what had just transpired and why

Betty was unavailable to sign for the items.

Stephen walked over to reprimand Mr. Harman for not bringing the items before the bell and for being on the floor. Miss Brahms glares at Stephen; Mr.

Harman ignores him completely. Stephen cleared his throat and repeated himself. Mr. Harman left the floor without looking at him. Stephen slinked back to his

post. Betty sat on a chair, sobbing in the fitting room.

Mr. Humphries walked across to the Ladies' Department. Stephen protested and ordered Mr. Humphries back to his counter. He ignored Stephen. Stephen

repeated the command but Mr. Humphries just sneered at him and continued on.

Mr. Humphries took Betty's hand in his, "Your make-up is holding up well, Love."

"It's the same brand of make-up worn by Jacques Cousteau when he goes deep-sea diving."

I didn't know Jacques Cousteau wore make-up! I'll have to look for it from now on!"

She smiled.

"That's my girl. I'm sorry things have worked out like this."

He hugged her, "Coronation Street is on tonight. Do we still have our phone date for after?"

She nodded.

"What did he say to you, Love? I saw him talking, but couldn't make out the words," he said quietly. His eyes were sympathetic.

"He said he was sorry but he had to go back to Vivienne. He said it was complicated and he didn't want me brought into it." She began sobbing again.

He held his handkerchief to her nose, "Blow!"

She blew her nose obediently.

Finally she stood up and composed herself, "I'm not stayin' 'ere, I'm goin' 'ome!"

She removed an earring and picked up the phone to dial Mrs. Axelby.

"Hello? Ethel? What time do you have to be to work? Oh. You're just getting' off? Good. I'm leavin' now; I need a drink, several of them. Yes. I'll be there in a

few minutes. Bye, Ethel." She placed the receiver in its cradle.

She retrieved her coat from the cloak room.

"Take over for me, Miss Brahms. Mrs. Axelby and me are going to open the pub. And we may end up closing it as well!"

"We'll come check on you after work, me and Mr. Humphries, won't we?"

"Yes, Dear, definitely," he said.

"Don't worry Mrs. Slocombe, we'll take care of 'im," she winked at Betty.

"Don't go getting yourselves sacked on my account," Betty wiped her eyes,"You are all so sweet."

She smiled a little as she put her coat on and walked past Stephen without giving him so much as a glance. He turned to watch her as she walked up the

stairs and ring for the lift.


	14. Lunch

**Friends With Benefits...CH11...Part 2**

Lunch

The staff filed into the canteen. Mr. Humphries "threw rock" and was designated to bring lunch for everyone. Mr. Harman joined them at the table in the spot usually occupied by Stephen. Stephen walked up to the table with his lunch and noticed Mr. Harman in his seat.  
>"Mr. Harman, might I remind you that maintenance personnel are not to sit at the same table as sales staff. Kindly remove yourself." He looks down at Mr. Harman scornfully.<br>Mr. Harman stood up and narrowed his eyes,"Captain Peacock, you have been banished to the seat next to the pig bin. Kindly take your rightful position or I shall kick your arse. And if you take out that black book of yours, I shall shove it there as well."  
>They all sneer at Stephen. He glared at them indignantly, eyes bugged, nostrils flaring, frowning. He took his tray and retreated to the Executive Dining Room.<br>"FECK OFF!" they all said in unison, saluting him 2-fingered.  
>Mr. Lucas spoke up,"In his defense, you know, he didn't chat up the lady customers the whole time they were 'involved'."<br>"These workplace romances never work out. You shouldn't crap where you eat. Now we're forced to pick sides." Mr Grainger spoke between slurps of spaghetti.  
>"You never liked her anyway, so you don't have that problem."<br>"But I do feel sorry for her."  
>"What'd I miss?" Mr. Humphries asked as he set his tray down.<p> 


	15. Home? The Next Day Parts 3 & 4

Friends With Benefits...CH11...Part 3...Home?

It was 1:30 am, the phone rang at Betty's. She rolled over and tried to ignore it. The phone continued ringing. Sleepily she stumbled to the lounge. She looked at the phone, picked it up, and hung it up without answering.  
>She turned to go back to bed and the phone started ringing again. She picked up the receiver and dropped it back on the cradle. It rang again.<br>"If I don't answer it, he'll worry me to death," she said to Tiddles.  
>She gritted her teeth, rolled her eyes, shook her head, and finally answered it.<br>"What do you want, Stephen?" she growled.  
>"I miss you."<br>She exhaled heavily, impatiently.  
>"Oh, no! Not this again! Deja Vu! Is this the part where you whine about the bed being too big, the house sounds strange, nothing smells right? Is this the part where you run up the street in your pajamas and house shoes and ravish me at the front door? Is this the part? Where are you right now?"<br>"I'm in the study. I can't sleep. I've had tea, hot milk; I've tried reading, I've tried watching telly. Nothing helps," he sounded pitiful.  
>"You've made your choice. Where's she got you sleeping?"<br>"Back in the spare bedroom," he admitted, clenching his teeth.  
>"Mmmm-Hmmmm," she replied as if to say 'I knew',"So why are you calling me at...what time is it, Stephen?"<br>"One-thirty...I'm sorry, Betty...I'm so sorry..." he pleaded.  
>She cut him off,"<em>One-Thirty?<em> Stephen, I've got to get up for work in the morning! Unlike you, I can't fudge the book. You've made your bed, now lie in it!"  
>He winced. She slammed the phone down. She went back to bed and cried herself to sleep.<p>

Friends With Benefits...CH11...Part 4

The Next Day

Stephen arrived nearly an hour early for work and signed in. The others would not arrive for at least another forty-five minutes. He walked around the department, listening to the cleaning crew. He surveyed the department: the mannequins; the tacky display unit occupying the center of the floor; the antique lighting fixtures; the ornate wood pattern on the lift doors, the glass doors to the Ladies' and Gents' WC's, the covers on the counters.

The lift bell dinged and Mr. Lucas stepped out. He was nearly late. Stephen reprimanded him.  
>Mr. Lucas responded with a curt,"Yes, Sir." and headed to the cloakroom to hang his coat.<br>Mr. Humphries walked down the stairs behind Mr. Lucas with about thirty seconds to spare. Stephen commented and Mr. Humphries looked past him.  
>Mr. Grainger came in late from the loo. Stephen pointed out his tardiness, but Mr. Grainger did not respond.<br>Betty walked in 5 minutes late and did not even try to hurry. Stephen was standing next to the sign-in book, looking at his watch. He looked at Betty, eyes pleading.  
>"Mrs. Slocombe, you're late."<br>"Well, maybe is some daft bastard didn't call me at one-thirty this morning, I would have gotten up on time and not missed my bus." She walked over to the Ladies' Department to hang her coat.  
>"I deserved that..." he muttered to himself.<br>Miss Brahms arrived about seven minutes late and didn't offer an excuse or even acknowledge Stephen.

Stephen cleared his throat and announced,"Everyone, please gather round.."  
>No one moved. He walked off the sales floor to Mr. Rumbold's office.<br>"Sir, I've done something so stupid and heartless and awful. I've hurt the woman whom I love.."  
>Mr. Rumbold exhaled,"Peacock, I wish you'd leave your marital mishaps at home..."<br>"No, it's not my wife, Sir. It's Mrs. Slocombe, Sir."  
>"Oh, I see. And you are divulging this to me because?"<br>"The entire staff, to include Mr. Harman and the cleaning staff, have turned against me. I want to apologize to Mrs. Slocombe in front of everyone. I owe her that much. Would you please come onto the floor and gather them round, Sir? Please?"  
>"I'll see what I can do, Captain Peacock. You know, <em>this<em> is why Grace Brothers has that policy in place. We now have a breakdown in discipline, a breach of authority. I don't know how you can get it back."

Mr. Rumbold walked out onto the sales floor with Stephen in tow.  
>"Gather round everyone," Mr. Rumbold announced.<br>The staff mustered round him.  
>"Captain Peacock has something he wishes to say..."<br>They begin to disperse.  
>"Wait! Please don't go," Stephen implored, his face sullen. He turned to face Betty.<br>"I have made a terrible mistake. I'm sorry, Betty. When Vivienne came in the other day, she pleaded a good case. She talked about throwing away a 15 year marriage. She threatened to drag Betty into the divorce proceedings, blame her for wrecking our home; the language she used was awful. I figured if I went back, it would all just go away, I could get a quiet easy divorce. When I got back to the house I realized it wasn't a marriage at all but a prison sentence. I ate dinner in silence and had a lot of time to think.  
>Even the most mundane tasks were fun with you, Betty. Snogging at the launderette while our clothes wrestled in the washer, and, yes, she does have pictures. I got hit with a stack of them at dinner. Eating dinner out of a paper box. I had the best Christmas ever with our friends. Snogging at the car wash..."<br>Mr. Lucas touched Miss Brahms' hand and whispered,"Good God, is there a horizontal surface they haven't christened?"  
>"Belt up!" Miss Brahms snapped.<br>Stephen continued,"My wife didn't want me back. When she saw the pictures from her solicitor, she only wanted me away from you, Betty. I was backed into a corner and I caved. I know I will never make it up to you, but maybe one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me? Betty, I am so sorry. I do love you. I would go to the workhouse for you. I would rather live with you in my little flat and be happy than live in a detached house with Vivienne and be miserable."  
>He walked over to the counter to retrieve his hat and coat. He ascended silently up the stairs to the lifts, carrying his hat, coat and two yellow cards.<br>They all stood there dumbfounded.  
>"Well," Mr. Rumbold clapped his hands,"Everyone back to work."<p>

*************** ROLL CREDITS ***************


	16. Out Takes and Deleted Scenes

**Friends With Benefits...Out Takes and Deleted Scenes**

Red Light Special in the Ladies' Department

It was a slow Monday mid-morning at Grace Brothers. Time for today's "boring time" game.  
>"Pssst...pssst...Mr. Lucas!" called Mr. Humphries excitedly,"Are you free?"<br>"You've caught me in between doing nothing and cocking about."  
>"Look over there!" he motioned to the Ladies' counter,"I wonder what that's all about."<br>They watched curiously as Betty took pair after pair of sexy underwear out of a box and held them up for Stephen's approval. The ones he nodded to she set aside in a little pile.  
>She held up a pink lacy pair.<br>Mr. Lucas whispers,"Whew! Those are hot!"  
>Stephen raised his eyebrows, smiled and nodded slightly.<br>"He agrees!" Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries both chuckled.  
>She picked up a pair of white "Granny panties".<br>"Ahhh..._NO_!" Mr. Lucas wrinkled his nose. Stephen did the same thing and the offending knickers went back in the box. The next pair solicited Stephen to bite lower lip, close his eyes, and inhale slowly. He exhaled, cheeks puffed, eyebrows raised. He nodded emphatically.  
>"What do you suppose is going on?"<br>"Ha! It's like watching Caesar! Thumbs-up, thumbs-down. I bet they have a little private modeling party later on," said Mr. Lucas impishly.  
>"I wonder who is going to do the modeling! Now I like that pair!"<br>"He does, too!"  
>Stephen mouthed,"How many?"<br>Betty counted.  
>"Seven,"she said.<br>"That's one for each day of the week! I wonder which pair she'll wear for church!" Mr. Lucas teased.  
>Mr. Humphries spouted,"If the vicar finds out, that could be grounds for excommunication!"<br>They both laugh out loud, trying not to wake Mr. Grainger..  
>Stephen smiled at her,"Sale, Mrs. Slocombe."<br>She wrote up the chit and he signed it. She rang up the purchase on Stephen's staff account, put the panties in a bag with the receipt, and handed the parcel to him.  
>He smiled a little nervously, blushing as he passed the Gents' counter, realizing he had been watched. Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries smiled widely, like two Cheshire cats, as Stephen walked past to put his purchase in the cloakroom. As soon as Stephen was out of sight, they burst into laughter. Betty glared and wagged a finger at them.<br>"This has been the best game to date, Mr. Humphries!"

Early Morning Meeting

Stephen and Betty arrived outside of Grace Brothers at 8:15 am for yet another all-important team-building meeting.  
>"I'm going to go into Beppo's for a coffee, would you like one?" Stephen asked.<br>"No, thanks," she smiled.  
>"Oh, alright. Sign us in and tell Rumbold I'm getting a coffee. Are you <em>sure<em> you don't want one?" he asked again.  
>"No. I'll get one from the canteen in a bit."<br>"OK, I'll see you up there, Love."  
>She entered the building and headed for the lift.<p>

The staff assembled in the Ladies' and Gents' Department. Betty signed the book and took a seat next to an empty one she was saving for Stephen.

"This early morning meeting has my routine off," Miss Brahms said,"I am dying for a coffee."  
>"We'll send Mr. Harman to the canteen for coffee and biscuits," said Mr. Rumbold.<p>

Stephen walked in a few minutes late.  
>"I'm sorry I'm late; I stopped in Beppo's for a coffee and there was a queue," he offered.<br>"May I have just a sip?" Betty asked.  
>"I asked you if you wanted one."<br>"She wanted one, alright, just not coffee!" Mr. Lucas quipped.  
>Stephen shot him a stern look.<br>He handed Betty the cup and she downed about half of it.  
>"Oooohhhh...that was lovely. Thank you, Stephen!"<br>She handed the cup back. He looked in it, then looked at her, miffed.  
>Teasingly, she pursed her lips at him and said,"There's still some left, you can taste it if you'd like!"<br>He leaned over, cupped her face in his hands, and planted a big juicy kiss right on her mouth. They all watched in shock. She reached up and grabbed his wrists to release herself. Pulling back, she exhaled loudly. Everyone tittered.  
>"Mmmm...that <em>was<em> lovely...and the coffee wasn't half bad either!" He smiled to himself.  
>She turned crimson, eyes wide in embarrassment.<br>"Can we get started, Captain Peacock, or do you two need a moment?"

Caught Gawking

Another slow morning at Grace Brothers. Stephen walked around the department to try to make the day go a little quicker. He stood by the Gents' counter; Betty crouched next to the Ladies' counter unpacking a box.  
>He turned his head sideways to check her out, the stood staring as she worked.<br>"Watch this, Mr. Humphries. He's checking her out," said Mr. Lucas mischievously.  
>Mr. Lucas watched as Stephen gazed at Betty.<br>"I bet those thighs provide plenty of cushion for a skinny man like yourself!" he muttered, smiling devilishly.  
>Stephen shook himself back to reality.<br>"I beg your pardon, Mr. Lucas!" Stephen sputtered, shocked, eyes wide and frowning.  
>"More bounce to the ounce, eh?"<br>Mr. Humphries turned away, tittering.  
>"I'll remind you to keep a civil tongue, Mr. Lucas! You are being very discourteous to Mrs. Slocombe and myself."<br>"Yes, Captain Slocombe, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."  
>Mr. Lucas turned to the cupboard drawers and snickered.<br>Stephen walked silently back to his post.  
>"You are abominable, Mr. Lucas!" Mr. Humphries shook his head then tittered again.<br>"Both of you get back to work!" Mr. Grainger growled,"And try to control yourselves


End file.
